Hi there,

I’m your potential client. I’m in your target demographic. I’m what they call a “quality of life” customer. That means that I’m not afraid to pay a little bit more for something as long as I feel that it enriches my life in some way.

I spend a lot of time on the internet. I’m a pretty savvy and very cynical customer. I’m more likely to Google you to see if you can back up your claim than I am to ask you. I’d rather contact you by email than talk to you over the phone. So, let's talk small business to small business.

Here are 5 ways you lose me:

1. Hello, My name is Unimpressed.
Are you serious?

When you meet someone on the street, do you automatically start up a sales spiel which includes talking about yourself in 3rd person? How about telling me you’re a “team”, when you’re a sole proprietor?

If you do, then you’ve got more problems than just credibility. You’re going through an identity crisis.

Is it evident when I view your web page or when I check records, that you’re actually who you say you are? If the answer is no, it’s time to re-evaluate those pieces of your marketing plan and identity.

When the image you’ve crafted or tried to craft for yourself is not consistent, you’ve lost me.

2. Hey this is our first date. Why the hell would I want to meet your friend that you don’t even like and are just using for a ride?

Ask me to sign up for something, but then refer me to a 3rd party site. Think of all the orders you've abandoned for this same thing in one way or another.

Real life Example:

I barely know you.

I was looking for a personal chef who delivered meals. The personal chef did not have the ability for me to sign up on her site to pick delivery times. She did however have a 3rd party appointment booking site. Guess how many spots I booked? None.

It takes a lot for you to earn a client’s trust. This is especially true if your goal is to get them to purchase or sign up for something.

Why?
Once, you introduce that 3rd party site that I’m not familiar with and doesn’t have a brand I recognize, I’m out.

If it takes the average customer 4-5 visits to your site before they feel comfortable enough to buy something, why risk losing them?

3. You can dance if you want to. You can leave your worries behind. If your friends don’t dance, that’s okay because everything they listen to sucks anyway.

I love Uncle Hyram.

Focus on me as the client. I really don’t care for your auto-playing background music. In fact, as soon as I hear it, I’m leaving your site (unless you’re a band). Even if you are a band, you’re pushing it. If you give me some volume controls I might forgive you.

You have no idea what I’m listening to or doing when I visit your site. Maybe my volume is up at 10 because I’m rockin’ out to Uncle Hyram’s Polka Extravanganza (it’s the jam). The last thing I want to hear is your music at the max with no volume control for it.

Your playlist is garbage to someone, somewhere, no matter how impeccable your tastes are. Is it really worth it to lose potential clients over Ginuwine’s ‘Pony’ or Tokio Hotel’s 'Monsoon'? I’m thinking not.

4. It’s 4am and I’m calling you. Can I get fried chicken with gravy in the salad or is it too later for that?

Tell me when you’ll be available and try not to make yourself too available. It’s best for both of our sanity. I’ll use the personal chef example again. PC had slots open for cooking every hour on the hour from 9am-10pm.

I'm just asking for extra sauce.

Sure, the customer is always right, but if I’m the customer I like limits. I have no problem wanting or booking appointments with sole proprietors or small business owners with small staff numbers.

What I have a problem with is bending over backwards to seem open and available because inevitably what that means is that one of us is going to suffer. I would rather that neither of us did. Know your limits. Don’t tell me that no job is too small or too large. This doesn’t instill confidence in me, it makes me worry.

5. Don’t spam me, bro or sis.

Be valuable. Give me a reason to choose you. I don’t care if it’s because you offer a great newsletter, give me discounts I can’t find anywhere else or know the ins and outs of your industry like a pro. Just give me something I can like about you or your company.

I thought we were friends.

Not only is the ability to give out good and accurate information a sign of your knowledge, it helps potential customers trust you. It is what will set you apart.

Don’t just offer me what everyone knows about your industry. I don’t want to read recycled tips. I want to read your intimate knowledge. Even if I never buy from you, it doesn’t mean I won’t recommend you to someone else.

When I give you my email address don’t pass it around like the next Facebook meme. This is between me and you, little buddy.

I’m from these tough e-marketing streets, son!

In conclusion, all we’re really asking you to do is keep it real! Keep it real genuine, real useful, real schedules you can adhere to and real functionality. If you do these things, you’ll have little problem attracting real customers who place real value in your services.

About the Author
She is a jerk. I am a saint who lives in Portland, Or. I’ve been in web design as a graphic designer or user interface nerd for 7 years. I took a very long hiatus earlier this year and have worked on less than 3 projects in 2009. I’m one half of a husband and wife team who is planning to move to Florida this year. (Man, I hope this move really happens. We’ve had to delay it once already).

I spend a lot of time murdering the English language, but that’s what makes me super cool.

Follow me on twitter SevenIsAJerk.